Smoking Jokes From The Ash Tray

Jokes About Smoking…

A rabbit escaped from the research laboratory where he had been born and bred.  On his first taste of freedom, he met a group of wild rabbits frockling in a field.

“Hi,” he said, introducing himself,  “I’ve escaped from the laboratory and I’ve never been outside before.  What do you rabbits do all day?”

“See that field over? they said.  “It’s full of plump, juicy carrots.  Care to try some?”

So they all went off and ate some carrots.  “That was great,”  said the escaped rabbit afterwards.  “What else do you do?”

“See that field over? they said.  “It’s full of fat lettuces.  Care to try some?”

So they all went off and devoured the lettuces.  “This is brilliant,”  said the escaped rabbit afterwards.  “I really love it out here in the wild”

“So are you going to stay with us?”  they asked

“I’d really like to, but I must get back to the laboratory.  I’m dying for a cigarette”

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“Smoking Kills.  If you’re killed, youve lost a very important part of your life” [Brook  Shields]

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Two Old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus.  When it started to rain, one of the women reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip, slipped it over the cigarettee and continued to smoke.

That’s a good idea, thought her friend, and so the next day she went into a pharmacist’s and asked for a condom.

“What size?” asked the pharmacists.

“One that will fit a Camel.”

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Nicotine addiction is like an itch. If you itch, it’s nice to scratch it.
But better to have no itch at all. ~~ Dali Lama (adapted)

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The quickest way to make a red light turn green is to go searching for your cigarette lighter in the glove compartment.
~~ Gary Doney

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Overheard, “You know, lady, you don’t actually smoke. The cigarette does all the smoking, you are just the sucker!”

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“It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.”  ~ Fletcher Knebel, Reader’s Digest, December 1961.

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I only smoke after sex – I used to smoke twenty a day!!

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In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol — dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.
The third worm in sperm — dead.
The fourth worm in soil — alive.

So the science teacher asked the class — “What can you learn from this experiment.”

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. “As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms.”

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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
“I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go”
“This one’s empty … no-one’s looking… you go in first”
“It’s a bit cramped – let me sit down”
“Have you got the condom? Quick – put it on”
Sniff sniff
“Ah perfume – you think of everything”
“This is great…..” (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
“This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations… Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

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Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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American Drugstores: Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.”

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12) If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

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13) The sex was so good, even the neighbours had a cigarette afterwards.

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14) Mornin’, Ole,

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and maybe a few times during the year.

One Sunday, Ole was sitting in the pew right behind Lena and got to noticing what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, “Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?”
“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” Lena replied.

Ole was tickled as all get out. All week long he polished his old Ford truck. On Friday he picked up Lena and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked at Lena and asked, “Lena, vould you a cocktail before supper?”

“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”
Ole was a little taken back, but he didn’t say much about it. After dinner, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering Lena one.
“Oh, no, Ole,” Lena said, “Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, Ole was feeling kind of low, having had two offers rebuffed. On the way home, was they passed the Hot Springs Motel, he figured, heck, he’d struck out twice, so he had nothing to lose.

“Hey, Lena, vould you like to stop at the motel with me?”

“Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice,” she replied.

Ole couldn’t believe his luck. He whipped his Ford into the parking lot, jumped out of the truck, ran into the hotel office, checked in, ran back out, and took Lena right to the hotel room.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying on the bed, her hair spread out all over the pillow. “Vat have I done, vat have I done?” Ole thought. He shook Lena awake. “Lena, I’ve got to ask you von thing.”

“Vot’s dat?” she said, sleepily.

“Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

“The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don’t have to drink and smoke to have a good time.”

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15) Notice displayed on a plane:

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.

We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight … hold on, let me check what it is … Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

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16) What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?  You’re to small to smoke!

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17) A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

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18)  A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work.
“Have you tried the patch?” her friend asks.
“No, that’s one thing I haven’t tried,” the woman says, “because I’m not sure it works.”
Says her friend, “I’m sure it would if you put it over your mouth.”

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19) What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?  Slow down and use a lubricant.

20) A young man at a New Year�s party turned to his friend and asked him for a cigarette.

“I thought you made a New Year�s resolution to quit smoking,” said his friend.

“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man replied, “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”

“What’s phase one?’” asked his friend.

“I’ve quit buying.”

21) Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, “Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically, ” remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, “No, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

22) Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you. The next day, I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day, I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day, I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you. This morning, I stopped reading.

23) – “Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?”
- “That’s true.”
- “Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?”
- “That’s true.”
- “Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?”
- “That’s true.”
- “What does your doctor say about all of this?”
- “My doctor is dead.”
” George Burns”

24) – I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
” Mark Twain”

25)  What a weird thing smoking is and I can’t stop it. I feel cosy, have a sense of well-being when I’m smoking, poisoning myself, killing myself slowly. Not so slowly maybe. I have all kinds of pains I don’t want to know about and I know that’s what they’re from. But when I don’t smoke I scarcely feel as if I’m living. I don’t feel as if I’m living unless I’m killing myself.
” Russell Hoban”

26) Cigarettes are as American as emphysema and apple pie.
” Mark Russell”

27) I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
” Steven Pearl”

28) I believe in cigarettes. I think we’re overpopulated.
” Christopher Buckley”

29) Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.
” George D. Prentice”

30) To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I’ve done it a thousand times.
” Mark Twain”

31) They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they’d only threaten me with hard work, I might stop.
” Mignon McLaughlin”

32) Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!…God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
” A. P. Herbert”

33) If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.

34) Three kayakers paddled 10 kilometers through heavy seas from one island to another. The first kayaker said “I paddled it in 2 hours.” The second kayaker said “I paddled it in one and a half hours because I had a wind at my back.” The third kayaker said “I paddled it in 30 minutes.” The first and second kayaker asked the third kayaker, “How ever did you do that. That’s amazing.” The third kayaker replied, “Because I had run out of cigarettes.”

35) “I’m not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.”

Bill Hicks quotes (American Comedian, b.1961)

36) Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?

A: No smoking.

37) A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.But it also lit up her arm, too!Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”

38) Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,”It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!”

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

“You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them.” The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. “Good morning, sister,” said the pharmacist.

“What can I do for you today?”

“I’d like some condoms, please,” said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

“How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box.”

“I’ll take six boxes – that should last about a week,” she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, “Sister, what size condoms would you like – we have large, extra large, and big liar size.”

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.”

39) Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”

The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,

“If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”

40) A doctor asked his patient trying to quit smoking, Do you smoke after sex? She responded, I don’t know. I never looked.

41) The only thing worse than customs officers searching for contra-band cigarettes is looking in your butt.

42) They used to have a  smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You’re not just a smoker, you’re an example to other people. You’re an exhibit at a futuristic zoo. (Marc Moron)

43) Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”

The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.”

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.”

“Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.

The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underwear…..”

44) A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction
to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive
patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion
therapy.
“When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,
and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and
place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can’t
tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won’t dare smoke
any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar.”
“Thanks doc, I’ll try it.” And he did. But three weeks later he
came back and saw the doctor again.
“What? My recommendation didn’t work? It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!”
answered the doctor.
“Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction,” replied the patient.
“What is that supposed to mean?” demanded the doctor.
“Well, I don’t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can’t go to sleep
at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt.”

45) What’s the best way to stop someone from smoking in bed?
Get a waterbed, and fill it with gasoline.

46) A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him
into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make
them a few drinks, and as he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute
little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in.
He says “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He goes, “Geez…oooh….I…”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

47)  A tobacco company had heard that the oldest citizen of a certain
village had been smoking their product for over fifty years. They
dispatched a public-relations man to the village to interview him.
“Sir,” the P.R. man said, “we are prepared to fly you to California
to appear on an early morning television show to give a testimonial
about our tobacco company.”
“Can’t do it!” replied the seasoned smoker.
“You can’t do it?” asked the P.R. man.  “Don’t you want a free plane
ticket to California?”
“Yep, I’d like to go to California, but I can’t do it.”
“Well, Sir,” said the P.R. man, “we’re prepared to put you up in one
of the nicest hotels in Los Angeles for at least three nights. Wouldn’t
that be wonderful?”
“Yep, it would be wonderful, but I can’t do it!”
“Why can’t you do it?” screamed the P.R. man.
“Well, young fellow,” he said, “I can’t fly to California and appear
on that morning television show to give a testimonial about your tobacco
because I don’t stop coughing until noon!”

48)  I think the war between the smokers and non-smokers is heating
up a bit. I went into a restaurant for lunch the other day and,
as is my practice, requested a table in the “no smoking” section.
They seated me, and I went about the business of ordering and
eating my food. Somewhere between the clam chowder and a club
sandwich, I caught the smell of nearby burning tobacco. Upon
looking around, I noticed the man in the booth next to me smoking
a freshly lit cigarette.
Overcoming my natural reticence regarding confrontation,
I spoke to the man.
“Excuse me, sir, but, when you came in, did you ask to be seated
in the no-smoking section?”
“Yes, I don’t like the smell of smoke when I am eating any more
than anyone else.”
I asked, “Then why are you smoking that cigarette?”
“I’ve finished eating.”
Silly me, it was obvious to the most casual observer. I called
the server over and made her aware of the situation. She pointed
out to the man that he was smoking in a No Smoking section (I
suspect this was not a startling revelation) and went away with
his assurance that he was just leaving.
Of course he didn’t leave until he had finished that cigarette
and lit another.  But at least he did finally go.
Apparently he had noticed the motorcycle helmet and jacket I
was wearing when I came in, because in a minute or so, I noticed
him eyeing the Harley parked by the front door. He took out a
small notebook, wrote something on a leaf from it, tore off the
note, and placed it between the seat and gas tank.
His next action took me completely off guard. He looked straight
in the window at me, then put his foot against the gas tank and
shoved the motorcycle over on its side. He then spun around and
ran smack into a very large, bearded fellow who apparently owned
the Harley. What which ensued netted him at least one broken bone
and hopefully a little jail time.
After the police had come and gone, I helped the bearded gentleman
right his bike, and noticed the note the man had left.
I unfolded it and read: ‘This will teach you to mess with smoker’s
rights.’
I laughed and handed the note to the cigar-chewing biker. I then
went around to the other side of the building, got in my BMW, and
went back to work.

49) How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

50) What happened when the gay guy put a nicotine patch on his dick? He’s down to three butts a day!

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